A Bug's Life

This blog is in referance to the January 9th entry. I lied then. I never let go, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I truthfully didn't want to. I came up with excuse after excuse as to why I should still be friends with this person, but it all seemed a useless waste of time. I know this time that I'm done. I'm done with being pulled down; weighted to the ground. I'm tired of being leaned on and taking all the weight because someone doesn't want to put the effort into life. Life is a joke to them. I'll never get anywhere if I'm living two lives. I need to focus on my own life and do what's right for me. What's right for me is not being with this person. I think that if I truly let go, things will get better. It will be hard I know, but he's leaving soon anyway. Everything will be easier after that. So I say goodbye to you... you know who you are. I don't blame anything on you, and I still care for you, but it isn't right anymore. I'm sorry. I don't want to sound full of myself, but put yourself in my shoes for once and see where I'm coming from instead of pitying him. I'm hurting too, and this was no easy decision.

Finally exams are over and done with. It's such a relief off my back except for next semester I have first period off and then 2,3,4,5.. that blows. So no spending quality time with my gal Gigi.. or my other friends.. or someone else... hehe. Anyway, things are looking good from here on this end. I'm ready for a week of spending time with my friends and relaxing, and then I get to go to my grandmas! Oh man I love going there!! Hehe I get so spoiled. hmm and making gingerbread houses at sarah's.. ohhh gingerbread.. *drool* (now would be a good time to insert my drool face on msn). Anyway I'm keeping this short because I have better things to be doing than sitting on a box the entire weekend. I'm going to make this week unforgetable... in a good way that is -- *pause ** -- I hope...

Well. Now that you know about my mystery man... let me tell you a bit about my mystery enemy. He is so rude, ignorant and inconsiderate. He enjoys telling the WHOLE WORLD about my personal life. He seems to think that this is something funny, but I have news for him. He doesn't know how to distinguish between jokes and seriousness. He talks about things he doesn't even understand or know about. I'd like to trust this friend of mine, but how can I if he never shows that he can be trusted? You know, sometimes I just really can't stand Yaser.. Uhh.. I mean.. *cough* my mystery enemy. joking. That is all.

*sigh* another day done and gone. I'm beginning to find life really monotonous. I think I need some excitement in my life. Well ok that's not entirely true. I've totally fallen for this guy, and I don't exactly know how it started... it just.. DID! And well things are weird because it's just the beginning of a relationship... friendship of course. Anyway not that anyone actually reads my entries anymore (or ever did), so I'll just kind of let go. I'm not one to be quiet and not know what to say, as Gigi would be able to tell.. she and I have this thing were we just talk talk talk..... I'm surprised we don't scare everyone away. But that's not the point of this entry anyway. I just never know what to say around him. And it sort of creeps me out a bit when he looks at me because I feel like he can see right through me! but, I think he likes Gigi because of what she tells me he's saying, or the way he talks to her. But then again I think to myself. I trust her. And she doesn't want to intrude on my territory, if you know what I mean.
The other day walking home, I was thinking a lot about someone I once was very close with, someone I had a relationship with long ago. And I realized how much I missed that and wished I could take it all back and start again. Now I couldn't quiet decipher between all the feelings but I think it's pretty clear to me now. I think what was long ago, cannot be renewed unless he is willing to change his life around. It wouldn't work out, because our lives are headed in two different directions and there would be much tension and insecurity because of his habits and people that he is always with. So I think this is my time to say, "it was nice then, but maybe one day".
Back to this new guy experience. I don't know what to think. Except sometimes I wonder if he's falling for my best friend. And even though she says no, I almost rethink that. She's pretty, cute, friendly, outgoing, nice.. and probably other things I'd rather not think of that may run through a guys mind when he looks at her. I almost feel the slightest competition, but for what? She doesn't want that, but then you must think..

I'm still being very lazy about entries. I should update them more but I've been tied down with so many ISU's and final projects that I just don't have time to get on the computer anymore. Not only that has been bothering me so much, but the fact that my best friend I am worried about. He just doesn't seem to put forth any effort anymore. I want to him to excel so much and I want him to become somebody. I've tried to help him, but all he ever does is tell me not to worry. I don't want to see him go down like this. He has no sense of direction or understanding of his future. I care for him so much, but I've made my decision. I'm letting go. Nothing matters. His future is in his own hands completely. And as my mom would say. "one cannot change, unless they are willing to on their own". With that. I am finished. I will try no longer. The future is oblivious.